Nonviolent Communication Word Choice for Expectations
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication, emphasizes expressing needs and observations without blame or judgment. When it comes to communicating expectations, the key is to shift from demanding language to language that clearly states your needs and requests while respecting the autonomy of others. This involves careful word choice. Instead of focusing on what someone should or must do, we focus on what we need and how we'd like to achieve it.
Here's a breakdown of how to reframe expectations using NVC principles:
Instead of:
- "You should..." This is a judgment and implies obligation.
- "You must..." This is controlling and authoritarian.
- "You need to..." This implies you know what the other person needs better than they do.
- "You're supposed to..." This sets an arbitrary standard.
- "I expect you to..." This puts pressure on the other person and can feel demanding.
Try these instead:
- "I need..." This clearly states your need without placing blame. Example: "I need to have the report by Friday so I can meet my deadline."
- "I would appreciate it if..." This is a polite request that respects the other person's agency. Example: "I would appreciate it if you could let me know your decision by the end of the day."
- "It would be helpful if..." This frames your need as a request for assistance. Example: "It would be helpful if you could confirm your availability for the meeting."
- "I'm wondering if..." This opens a dialogue and invites collaboration. Example: "I'm wondering if we could discuss how to better manage deadlines together."
- "When [observation], I feel [feeling] because I need [need]." This uses the NVC formula for clear and compassionate communication. Example: "When the report isn't submitted by Friday, I feel anxious because I need to submit my own work on time."
Understanding the Underlying Needs:
The power of NVC lies in identifying the underlying needs behind our expectations. Instead of focusing on the behavior we expect, we focus on the needs that that behavior is meant to fulfill.
For example, the expectation that someone be on time for a meeting might stem from a need for respect, reliability, or efficiency. Expressing these needs directly is far more effective than simply stating the expectation.
Examples of Reframing Expectations:
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Original Expectation: "You should have finished the project by now."
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NVC Reframing: "I feel stressed because I need the project completed so that we can move forward to the next phase. Could we discuss any roadblocks you've encountered?"
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Original Expectation: "You must be more organized."
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NVC Reframing: "I'm finding it difficult to collaborate effectively when things are disorganized. I need more clarity and structure to work efficiently. Could we work together to establish a system that helps us both?"
By using this more mindful and compassionate language, you'll foster better communication, stronger relationships, and a more collaborative environment. Remember, the goal is not to control others, but to clearly and respectfully communicate your own needs.
Frequently Asked Questions (PAAs):
What if the other person doesn't meet my needs even after I've communicated them using NVC?
If your needs aren't met, it's important to explore the reasons why. It might be a misunderstanding, a lack of capacity on their part, or something else entirely. Open, honest dialogue is crucial. You might need to adjust your expectations, seek alternative solutions, or re-evaluate the relationship.
Is NVC always the best approach?
While NVC is a powerful tool, it's not always the most appropriate approach in every situation. In emergency situations or instances where safety is at risk, direct and assertive communication might be necessary.
How can I practice NVC more effectively?
Practice makes perfect. Start by paying attention to your own language. Become aware of when you're using judgmental or demanding language. Gradually replace these expressions with NVC phrasing. Consider taking an NVC workshop for more in-depth training.
